How am I supposed to know

I can’t tell if
being brave
is calling the man
whose presence makes me feel as if I’ve robbed a bank
or if being brave is
leaving him alone.

I can’t tell
if I want to see him
to feel like this more
or to feel like this
less

I am being selfish
mostly it feels unfair that I’m meeting you
to meet something inside myself
If I come clean
will you be generous

I can’t tell if sitting here with these feelings is
the dam bursting
the rock face
opening
Everything rushing out to greet me
or if it’s the stone too heavy to lift.
or both.

The goldfish hovers once again in my mouth
I have become an aquarium
where strange creatures swim
and I can’t tell if you have come
to smash the glass
in glorious liberation
or total destruction

or both.